People often assume that clergy grow used to death over time, as if years of funerals build a kind of emotional callus. But in reality, there is a cost for every loss. Losing someone again and again does not get easier when it becomes familiar. It is important to make a distinction between sudden death and a slow and expected death because each will cause a different form of grief for the family and for the minister walking with them.[1] When death is sudden, before time is enough to prepare, clergy are invited to offer a Word of Comfort. In contrast, when death is gradual, there may be time to make preparations for the funeral. This can make the event easier for everyone to deal with, including the pastor, and give the family and the pastor time to work through the process of death.
Funeral directors only meet clergy in the final moments of a funeral and may not be aware of the weight of emotion behind the scenes. Even if we have a ministry related to grief, we cannot avoid it ourselves. In fact, the Scriptures provide comfort here: “The Lord is near to the brokenhearted” (Psalm 34:18). This nearness extends beyond grieving families. It is for the pastors and clergy who are with them, session by session, funeral by funeral.
We ask our funeral director partners to understand and be patient as we clergy engage in this weighty work. Leave your own personal response in the comments, and let’s carry on working toward finding some common understanding in these two callings.
[1] M. Chatterley, “Death, Dying and Bereavement: Some of the Challenges for Clergy,” Good Life, Good Death, Good Grief, 2022, https://www.goodlifedeathgrief.org.uk/news/bereavement-newsletter/death-dying-and-bereavement–some-of-the-challenges-for-clergy/
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